Schlumpadinka

I actually watched Oprah for the first time in...months...while I was working on something else on the computer, and she told me I was a Schlumpadinka. It would have made me feel bad if it wasn't something I already knew. ;) She sent an 'expert' around to a neighborhood and picked up about 8 women from their homes who were stuck in their Schlumpadinka Ways, took them to the stores at which they normally shop, got them snazzier outfits at reasonable costs, fixed their hair and makeup, and broke them out of their Schlumpy ways. The "Before"s ranged from sweatpant outfits to overalls (at least I don't do that) to jeans and baggy sweatshirts (cough). She said you could tell a true Schlumpadinka if they wore tennis shoes and they weren't actively in the process of exercising. That made me laugh out loud in my living room where I was sitting most sedately at the computer in my tennis shoes, jeans and baggy sweatshirt. Quite comfortably might I add.

The point of the show was supposed to be slightly different than all the "Make-over" shows in that they didn't put them in glamour clothes and hairdos that the ladies would be unable to realistically do on their own; they took them to Target and Sears and JC Penney and Old Navy and decked them out there. And that "You Schlumpadinkas sitting on your couches watching this in your sweatpants can do the same thing and feel 100% better about life!"

There are only two problems with this theory. 1). No matter what you say, dress clothes are not as comfortable to wear as loose-fitting soft cotton clothes, and if I have to walk around with layers and form-fitting clothing in scratchier materials, I will not feel 100% better about life. And 2). Not all of us can walk into these shops and pick out that shirt to go with those pants to go with those shoes to go with that scarf tied like this to go with these eyeglasses, this type of hairstyle to frame our faces with that color of blush and that type of jewelry. For some of us, walking into a store full of clothing and trying to pick out what would look good on us is like drinking from a firehose. During the once every couple of years that I go to a store to shop for an item out of sheer necessity, I can see a perfectly attractive outfit, put it on, look in a mirror, and flinch. It sure didn't look like that on the hanger or mannequin. I can do that about three or four times, and then I start wandering hopelessly through the aisles staring at miles of clothing that means nothing, and my very tiny reserve of Shopping Strength is not only depleted, but now I've wasted my time and depressed myself at how ridiculous I looked to boot. I hear shopping is therapy for many people, but I practically need therapy after I go. :)

Yesterday they said "Don't make your bag match your shoes". Well, that's a good thing since I have one "bag" and I don't care what it matches, but what little I knew was that if I was trying to spiff it up, that matching the "bag" to an accessory like shoes was the RIGHT thing to do. Now it's too "cutesy matchy". That's the other thing. Who has time to keep up with the latest trends? You do too much of that and you're too trendy. Not enough and you're Schlumpy. At least Schlumpy doesn't cost a fortune and doesn't provide as much hilarity in photographic evidence twenty years later. ;)

Here's the bottom line though. If I were fortified with enough chocolate and this expert were to come to my house and take me to the stores and dress me (well...I would dress myself!) and we both agreed it looked good, and it was comfortable, and wasn't hugely 'trendy' but would be something I could still wear six months from then without embarrassment, I would do it at least part of the time. But Oprah saying "You too can go to Old Navy and know exactly what to buy!" does not inspire me to head to the stores. Oprah can say that, she's Oprah. And Oprah's never met me. ;)