Toss It

I got ambitious on this day off.  I've been doing chunks here and there with breaks in between, and today I did a big one, and you can't even tell. I pulled my two big black trunks out of a closet, and went through them both, tossing things I didn't need or want or that I didn't want anyone else to deal with, and keeping other memories that mean something to me, or may or may not mean something to Kaylee or Steve down the road or if/when I'm gone.  I kept old work badges with my photo on them, a couple of diaries from when I was young and the ones from when I was pregnant. Photos, of course. Birth/wedding/funeral announcements of a few.  I threw away projects I'd done in college, notebooks of notes from science class and stuff like that.  I threw away two diaries I'd had when I was 20-21. There was nothing of value in there, nothing good to save, and nothing I need Kaylee or any grandkids I may or may not have some day to read about me.  *I* didn't even enjoy reading them.  So they're gone for good.  I did find my first logbook in there, in the bottom trunk where I haven't been in years.  I don't know why it was in that one, but now I finally found it and some day I'll be able to prove when it's been 50 years of flying.  I now know that I soloed on Nov. 4th, 1991, with around 15 hours, which was a lot back then. That first logbooks has all my sign-offs and checkrides for everything except multi and MEI, so again, glad to have found it.  And the plane I soloed in is now in private ownership in S. Carolina.  Kinda funny.   I found an envelope Grandma Snider had sent me with photos and a letter, which yes, I kept, and funny notes from friends in college that I didn't keep any more because even I didn't remember what the joke was any more.  All in all I threw away two trashbags full of papers and junk.  What's left in there, some of it will get thrown out too when I die, but at least it's contained, controlled, and possibly mildly interesting to family, anyway.  So two large trashbags went out, but nobody will ever see the difference in the house, because the trunks look the same on the outside.  I still feel better about it though.  :)

It was a little bit of an emotional journey though. I laughed, I got mad, I cried, it was like watching a bad home movie.  ;)  

I do have a bunch of extra professional photos of Kaylee and Devon that are duplicates that I just decided to leave alone for now. I also left alone a lot of the old motivational posters and post cards and book marks I used to tape up on my walls. They're in good shape, and they remind me of when I used those sayings to try to make myself be strong enough to do what I needed to do to keep going.  People tattoo themselves with "warrior" to try to become one because they actually aren't.  People tattoo themselves with "I am enough" because they don't feel like they are, and they use that as a way to try to remind themselves to feel that way. I used "courage" and "fight" posters because I didn't feel like I had enough. But in the end, I did.  Thank goodness.

I found a check Dad had written me about a year into flight school for $100 that I refused to cash because he'd said I'd never be able to make it, especially without his money, so when he sent money, I refused to accept it.  I still have that check, it didn't go in the 'burn' pile.  Why?  Because. I'd have starved to death before cashing that check.  That isn't courage, by the way, that's just freaking stubborn.  Maybe sometimes they're the same thing, I don't know...

I found an old IQ test and report that I did and printed out that highlighted my strengths (English and reading, big shock) and my weakness (math and logic, big shock).  My logic and math skills have both increased a lot since back then, too, but now I'm too old and slow to get a good score on the test if I took it, I think.  lol  Poems and stories I wrote or liked, and yes, I saved all those, even the bad ones. Maybe they're all bad, I was pretty young.  :D

So many interesting pieces of history in there, at least to me, but like I said, it was an emotional journey of a day. I was glad I was home alone, and that I had the whole day to myself, to go through it all. 

Tomorrow is trash day, so I hauled everything out to the trash, then hauled the trash out to the curb.  So long, old clutter.  There's more to go, but this was a good bite.  Kaylee's room is going to be a really big one.  We're going to redo her whole room and turn it into an office, exercise room, with a daybed in it for her or company, repaint it, the whole ball of wax.  She's got a LOT of stuff in there to deal with.  And then all my paperback books in the closet in the guest bedroom.  Those I just need to pack up and take somewhere to donate.  There are too many for one place to want, I'm sure, so I'll need to divide it up.  Too bad I can't sell them, but old paperbooks don't bring in a lot.  ;)

Guess that's it. Tomorrow is another day where I don't have any flights scheduled.  Will see what I can get done then.  If nothing else, I've gotten my exercise in these days.  I've been doing more strength building stuff like push-ups too, having lost some muscle mass, and the walking to get my heart rate and movement up.  It's better than nothing...

Tonight I'm watching Chicago Med, and one of the storylines is about a baby with SMA with parents from Indiana. One of my imaginary pilot friends sent me a Private Message on FB telling me it was on, to give me a heads-up, but I was already watching.  Kind of him to do that, by the way, to think of me, to remember SMA and that it exists.  So I'm watching these parents the day I go through a bunch of old things including birth announcements and photos and diaries of hope and loss.  Man, raw day.  One thing that helps, is that swelling in utero has nothing to do with SMA, and they can't tell by looking at the baby that it's "fine" after all, like they're claiming, when a genetic test came back positive for SMA.  So inaccuracies like that make it a little more palatable.  ;)